I love you baby but I just can't smile :|

Ok first off:

Is this freaking weird and creepy or what? Here is the website cuz I can't figure out how to link stuff yet (ya I know you don't have to tell me how lame that sounds):
http://www.glamour.com/weddings/blogs/save-the-date/2011/08/real-wedding-album-barbie-ken.html
Check it out and let me know why this is somehow 'sweet and genius' or whatever it is this lady writer is saying. Because I think its creeeeeepy.

I read this article:
http://www.xojane.com/relationships/never-ever-tell-me-smile
after reading another similar article on glamour.com and totally agreed and laughed and remembered all the times this has happened to me.

Maybe its because my mom can be the same way i.e. if she's tired sometimes she takes on a sad quiet expression and it TICKS her off when everyone asks her "whats the matter?" "awh are you ok?" or that if Mariah is in a bad mood you just steer clear and let her come around in her own time. Anyways, maybe those contribute to me wanting to punch someone (and the article is right, its never women) square in the face when they tell me to smile.

I am a very naturally happy person. I laugh and sing and talk to myself/my dog when no one else is around (did I really just admit to that?). I am a total goof ball and spaz when I'm with my family and friends. I genuinely try to be nice and friendly to everyone I meet. I do not, however, go around with a stupid grin plastered on my face all day. Why would I? I know I'm happy, I know I'm grateful for all of the blessings in my life, I know I love everyone and everything that I have. I don't have to smile to know that.

And for some reason you guys think that by telling me to smile its gonna make me want to? "Oh! Yes sir! I'll get right on that sir!" *smile*. Uh, yeah, no. No way. In fact when someone tells me "hey why don't you smile?" or "come on smile, be happy, life's beautiful" or some other crappy line I want to do the exact opposite. One time I did: Someone kept telling me to smile (an acquaintance) over and over but I was already upset. Finally I just looked him dead in the eyes and bared all my teeth in a very pained pissed off smile. And it was awesome.

I'm allowed to look anyway that I want: weepy, ecstatic, cocky, mean, stand offish, angry, perplexed, happy, dangerous, ANYTHING and that is my perogative (i love using that word). Thats great and awesome that you walk around smiling at everyone; its great for you. Just allow me to walk around as I please. As juvenile as it sounds when someone tells me to smile I want to go all miss attitude on them and say "bitch please, you don't knooooow me" ha but I won't.

Anyone else agree with me on this one?

Love,
Kxoxo

PS: both me and E were told in high school/jr high that we looked pissed off or rude when we walked down the hall. it was news to both of us! we thought/think we're both very nice and happy people haha

PPS: geez I kinda do sound like a jerk in this post but I promise I'm not

My Love

This is Ammon. He's a Baker. He's a writer. He's a reader. He's a freaking comedian. He's a genius. He's a chef. He's a foundation. He's a pillow. He's a driver. He's a lover. He's a fighter. He's a hard worker. He's a sweetheart. He's a man. He's a boyfriend. He's a listener. He's a shoulder to cry on. He's a soccer player. He's a soccer fan. He's a soccer fanatic. He's a pub man. He's a beer-o. He's a goofball. He's a gentleman.

He is my forever love.

And that makes me the happiest girl in the world. With him I have it all no matter what I am missing. I had the most cranky, snappy, exhausting day on Tuesday and during our driving for 2 or 3 hours I was mean and crabby and unfair. He on the other hand, after being a little crank, was amazing. He made me smile, laugh, and have an amazing day after all. And that right there is why I love him. No matter what. No matter how horrible things are/may seem he has the ability to make me smile and laugh and be happy again. He brings out the best in me. I love you baby.

Now, who or what do you love?
Love,
Kxoxo

Who Me?

Vegetarianism isn't something I've arrived at lightly. The decision has resulted from a lot of thought, emotion, and research. Am I full blown 100% vegetarian now? No way. I'm easing into the transition because I tend to stick to my goals when I do it that way. I'm still researching the best ways to get all of the nutrition my body needs and how to get it without meat, recipes that I'll love, and reasons why I chose to do this in the first place. Hint: I have a very soft spot in my heart for animals and knowing the way they are mistreated and mass produced only to to add a buck to an already overflowing wallet and a pound to an already expanded waist line (waist line came from me thinking about all the meat McDonalds sells) enrages me (yes I pulled out enrages). We are all animals when it comes right down to it. I believe that all animals have a spirit whether or not they are as mentally and emotionally developed as other species. Who decided that we rank so much higher than any other animal? Because we have more knowledge and technology? That gives us more responsibility to do things humanely, but we don't. If we all killed our animals humanely and kept them in acceptable conditions like my Dad does it wouldn't be as much of a problem but no one is willing to spend a buck or two doing so. Its going to be hard but I want to do what's right and I've found that animal rights and animal welfare in general is something I'm very passionate about. Now, blog world, I'm accountable to someone/thing if I ever falter. You should watch some of the movies out there i.e. Glass Walls with Paul McCartney and Meet Your Meat they'd at least make you more educated and aware which is never a bad thing.

Love,
Kxoxo

My Safari

Sometimes I've got my camelback/backpack on, my iPod turned up, enough water and Cliff bars, and top of the line compass. And I know without a doubt exactly where I'm going. I've got the perfect pace and I'm making good and steady progress. Then there are times when my backpack is too heavy, I can't find the perfect song, I'm running low on Cliff bars, and my compass, frankly, sucks.

I want to attach Ammon or Mariah or Athena, hell all three, to the back of my pack and chat with them during my safari. If I'm low on water, Ammon will have some to share. Mariah fills up the void so music isn't needed. If I'm ever lost then I just let Athena sniff me and she'll lead me straight away. However, this safari that I'm on doesn't allow one to bring others. It's a journey that only you can participate in in order to reach the destination that will make your trek worth it.

Once I reach the 'end' I'll experience a pride and gratitude that will make me appreciate the difficulty of the safari. Are we there yet? Nope. Not even close. Am I enjoying the adventure? Absolutely. Do my resources run low now and then? Frequently.

I don't know what I want to be when I grow up. Ha! 'Grow Up' does anyone ever really grow up? For years I wanted to be a psychologist. I got to my psychology class and hated it; the scientific, structured, memorization type of learning was not for me. I did, however, like the emotional aspect of psychology: the emotional analysis, the inner healing, working through one's issues by looking inward, etc. I am now a Social Work major. But is that really what I want to do? I don't want to be at a desk all day. I want to feel and know that I am actively doing something that is important and making a difference. I've thought about becoming a lobbyist for a group that I support and believe in. Lobbying world-wide for women who are still oppressed, sexually mutilated, murdered in honor killings, earn less in a career than a man of the same caliber, etc. Maybe I'd lobby for a group like PETA. I have a very tender spot in my heart for animals and to know that they suffer for our own pleasure makes me sick. With either one of those careers I would truly feel useful and productive. I want to invoke change. Does that translate into being a writer or campaigner in DC? Maybe a yoga teacher invoking change inside a person to take better care of themselves.

The hardest part is not knowing. I'm sure I could be happy doing any of these careers. Happiness is a state of mind; you create your own happiness. But which one will I really love and be truly passionate about? I have no option but to continue in the path my education is taking me right now and hope that I don't waste resources (time and money) on different paths in the trail (credits) that I won't need at my final destination.

The end is there somewhere even if its never really 'The End' because there will always be something worth striving for.

Love,
Kxoxo

Books

So I'm a big reader. I've always been good at it (I was the first reader in my primary class thank you very much) and for the most part I've always loved it. I say most part because in elementary school I was required to read a certain amount of time each day and my aunt always always always made me do it. I'd always beg her to let me read a few minutes less than required and sometimes she'd give in by letting me go two or three minutes early. That's it. However, when I read I forgot that I was reading and really enjoyed it. I think it was the fact that it was something I was supposed to do so, naturally as a punk kid, I thought that meant I should dislike it.

Now fifteen or whatever years later I still love it. However, being a grown up definitely cuts into my reading time. There was a whole year where I honestly don't think I read a book from front to back and when I realized this I was disgusted with myself. Who was I? I was the girl who read through books in a matter of days not years! Since then I've tried to always be reading a book and depending on my schedule, how interesting the book is, etc I finish them anywhere between a few days to a few weeks. There are so many I want to read and ones that I know I'll find and read/want to read. Let me just say I don't think I will EVER read all of the books that I want to. Here are my lists:

Books I've Read & Recommend:

To Kill A Mockingbird by Harper Lee (an all time favorite which I'm reading right now)
The Awakening by Kate Chopin (makes you question a lot of your assumptions)
A Thousand Splendid Suns by Khaled Hosseini
Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseni (I need to reread this one)
Pride & Prejudice by Jane Austen (My first audio book. I actually haven't finished listening to it- I listen while I crochet but I really like it so far)
The Lion The Witch & The Wardrobe by CS Lewis (favorite as a kid)
Harry Potter Series by JK Rowling (besides the entertainment it really has a lot of good and deep messages)
Ella Enchanted by Gail Carson Levine (more fitting for a little girl)
The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald (very fitting to America's society)
Word War Z by Max Brooks (zombie love. I haven't finished it but its awesome)
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory by Roald Dahl (lovely children's book)

Books I Want/Need to Read:

The Road by Cormac McCarthy (its Ammon's fav and he's a picky reader and English degree holder so it has to be good)
Little Women by Louisa May Alcott (this is a reread but I read it in elementary school)
Wuthering Heights by Emily Bronte
The Help by Kathryn Stockett
In Cold Blood by Truman Capote (love the movie Capote with Patrick Seymoure Hoffman)
The Art of Racing in the Rain by Garth Stein (from a dog's perspective)
Doctors From Hell by Vivien Spitz (about Nazi doctors)
On the Road by Jack Kerouac
Ender's Game by Orson Scott Card (if my bfe wrote a song about it its def worth reading)
A Wrinkle In Time by Madeleine L'Engle (another reread from childhood)
The Westing Game by Ellen Raskin (childhood reread)
Tuck Everlasting by Natalie Babbett (childhood reread)
The Time Traveler's Wife by Audrey Niffenegger
Alice in Wonderland by Lewis Carroll
Anne of Green Gables by LM Montgomery
Catcher in the Rye by JD Salinger
Gone With the Wind by Margaret Mitchell
Of Mice and Men by John Steinbeck
The Secret Garden by Frances Hodgson Burnett
Watership Down by Richard Adams
Memoirs of a Geisha by Arthur Golden
Love in the Time of Cholera by Gabriel Garcia Marquez
Lord of the Flies by William Golding
The Screwtape Letters by CS Lewis
Fahrenheit 451 by Ray Bradbury


And there are so many more. For example I want to read all of The Classics but there are a bunch of different lists that people claim are The Classics so we'll see... Maybe Barnes & Noble they seem pretty legit.

I'll try and add to the lists as I remember more and post an update when I do.

Love,
Kxoxo

Beauty

I'm going to try and be a bit more committed to this thing called blogging. Once again I'm sorry for my leave of absence but I promise I have really good reasons. And no thats not sarcastic I really do. Anyways lets get rolling:

I am a Pinterest addict. ADDICT. I could pin for hours and sometimes I do (guilty). I love pinning quotes, food, wedding stuff, and the occasional outfit, puppy, sarcastic quote, etc. Lately though I've been searching the entire Pinterest universe as opposed to just going through the feed of the those I follow. Guess what? Its eye opening. And I like it. I'll type in one word and get so many different perspectives on the definition of that word. Example: Strength. I am returned with a picture of a the incredibly muscular legs of a ballerina in her pointe shoes, an abstract rainbow water color of a woman's silhouette, a gorgeous chestnut horse, a beautiful 5+ point deer, a tattoo about strength, quotes about strength, and a beautiful portrait of an elderly native american.

Now I've typed in beauty. Yes, there were hundreds of beautiful images but they got me thinking, pondering, and asking myself, "what do I think is beautiful"? I truly mean beautiful. Breathtaking. Stunning. Not just pretty:

"Prettiness is the enemy of beauty- it cancels out beauty's greatness, grandeur and presence."
-Unknown

So I go through some pins for inspiration, nothing really catches my eye, so I start writing this post and ideas flow. I think back on images I've seen or experiences I've witnessed and beauty, to me, is something that moves me to tears or gives me that moment of impact of pure 'wow' because I literally feel so touched that I cannot express or recapture that moment. Beauty to me is:

A child taking care of a younger sibling, singing in the front row of the primary program into the microphone and doesn't even know it (you know what I'm talking about) saying a prayer, or talking about grown up ideas etc. Its the complete love and innocence in which they do these things. They are absolutely beautiful and unblemished from the world (in most cases) and they know and believe in God, good people, happiness, love, etc and it makes me happy. Their undying faith and optimism in those around them, God, life, the world, everything. Children are beauty.

Love between a man and woman (of course I think all types of love are beautiful but especially this kind). Especially during/in photos of a wedding. Those moments when you are completely giving yourself to that other person because you love them SO much, beyond words, for the rest of eternity. You have committed to one another forever. To get through everything together no matter the circumstance, to build a life together. To find that person out of all others that fits you perfectly, lifts you up when you resist and try to stay down, who loves you for 100% who you are, not who you could/should/would be.

Animals. I LOVE animals. They are amazing, beautiful, mysterious, and complex creatures that are a gift to this world. To see the strength and technique it takes for a tiger to catch its prey, a dolphin swimming at the stern of a boat playing tag, a giant whale swimming up to every single volunteer who helped free them from a net to thank them, coming home to your pet who loves you unconditionally and happily. Animals are so innocent and childlike to me. Of course they can take care of themselves, etc but there is a innocence that they have which is absolutely beautiful. I truly feel blessed to have these amazing creatures around us and believe we should do all we can to respect and protect them as well.

Birth. I'm not talking about the actual physical process of birth. I'm talking about the beauty of bringing another human being into this world and raising that innocent baby with every ounce of love you have. I do not know but I've heard from countless parents that there is nothing like the love you have for your child. I wish I could explain it the way they do but I can't. I do know that it is a miracle and beauty all its own.

Love you all

Love,
Kxoxo